Susan Darker-Smith
As the New Year approaches, I’m struck by the hope that many of us may share : that next year will, in some way, be better. It’s something I hear people say to one another almost constantly as a form of reassurance : ‘Hopefully, next year will be better’. And it is understandable, when we take the current state of our Country, our environment, our world into the equation.
And for me, in the count down to the New Year, with long covid, a rotator cuff shoulder injury and a nasty head-cold, all at the same time – I’m also tempted to think ‘hopefully, next year will be better’. And I could be forgiven for thinking this.
When I was a child, I used to promise myself that at the stroke of midnight, signalling the start of the New Year, I would magically turn into a good girl, who kept her bedroom tidy, always did her homework on time and never procrastinated. I’m still waiting…
In short, none of my New Year resolutions from childhood came true… I’m still disorganised, I never became a Hollywood Star and despite all my efforts, I still can’t speak Spanish! Like most of us, by week 2 of the New Year, invariably we have ‘messed up’ and feel like a failure. We just couldn’t say no to that extra piece of cheesecake or that second glass of merlot.
We create resolutions based on an assumption that we should be thinner, more gracious, more organised, tidier… That we should not give in to cravings for cheesecake and wine, but instead eat only plain unseasoned brown rice chased down by 8 glasses of water a day – and be happy…
But these beliefs and values are just as much stereotypes of who and what we should be as the wider issues of gender and race stereotypes are.
New Years Resolutions actually breed discontent. They create dissatisfaction with ourselves for not being more than we are And it makes me wonder – why can’t we just be …. well – ourselves?
My Father used to say ‘Comparisons are odious’. And he was right. We compare ourselves to stereotypes of who and what we should be and we believe that ‘if only’ we can be thinner, prettier, more successful – that this will somehow translate into happiness.
Yet, focusing on the future distracts from the present and the moment we are currently in. And whilst I’m focusing on the future and what ‘could’ be – I’m also not able to enjoy the kitten curled up in my lap, purring. Or the cup of tea in front of me.
Happiness, it turns out, relies on learning how to be truly present in the moment. With who WE are in THAT moment. Not who we would like to be.
That moment when your best friend says something goofy. Or you wake to see a sunrise which touches your heart. Or the moment someone says ‘I love you’.
Our assertion of whether anything is good or bad is always based on our perception. And perception is time-sensitive. It is based on the context of what we are aware of, at that precise moment in time. And context changes.
So, returning to me feeling sorry for myself and wishing things were in some way different – my shoulder injury and cold has given me an excuse to sit on the sofa and watch Netflix movies with my shoulder strapped up – instead of trying to tidy and re-decorate the house. Probably something that my body needs me to do, instead of trying to ‘push through’ illness in order to achieve (hard-wired by a former career in ballet). And being fully present in this moment helps me to rest my body, knowing that this is what is needed.
I am still learning to live in the present. Yet, I know that the art and magic of this life is to live with whatever is present right now… to respond in the moment from the moment.
So, this year – instead of ‘looking forward’ to the New Year – let’s create a resolution to live fully and completely in each moment. Responding to whatever that moment brings, from a place of being fully present…
Susan Darker-Smith is a Europe Accredited EMDR Child & Adolescent Trainer in the UK and a member of several task groups of the Global Child-EMDR Alliance. She is still learning how to rest in the world, without ‘making’ things happen! (It’s a work in progress!)
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